the doldrums

for the past 3 weeks i've been experiencing the doldrums. i'm taking this as a bad sign since it's not showing any signs of abating. i used to be able to snap out of this by reading whatever novels i have on hand or annoying the crap out of my brother; but now, even reading mr. perfect or throwing away the latest "secret" stash of ciggies is fast losing its appeal.

it makes me wonder whether a quick trip to france (or just about anywhere) will cure this latest edition of the blahs, or will only exacerbate the situation by making me long for something which i cannot have as of now.

my personal mantra of being proactive is slowly being debunked as a clichéd effort to reach for something which might not be there. being an over-achieving do-gooder has its perks, make no mistake about it, but as of the moment, i rather doubt that it is worth the utter aggravation of ubiquitous dissatisfaction.

that being said, i will put all of my efforts into emulating my long-time hero: ferris bueller.

save ferris!

updates on my so-called life

alright, so kai kai has been demanding for an update. i don't know why i should bother since nothing interesting has been happening in my life. same old same old. maybe when one is stuck inside a chem or a bio lab dissecting cats or whatnot, even the most dreary of your friends' lives will seem more interesting than... watching cheese mold. (love you lots kai kai! :D)

anyhoo, i've watched the nba finals. got super disappointed that the mavs lost. normally, i really wouldn't care but that's the effect of having kai kai go on and on about her german god (a.k.a. dirk nowitzki) :). wasn't able to watch the world cup, but have been following up on the latest. was also super disappointed that france lost. heard it was a mediocre match, whose sole highlight (well, more of an amazingly unbelievable moment- and not in a good way) was when zizou headbutted materazzi. don't really have an opinion about that for now, but i'm just disappointed zizou wasn't able to end his glorious career with a second world cup win for france. he was just unbelievable in the match against brazil. bravo!

i've been chatting with my french friends lately. they all told me that my french is better than before. haha! merci beaucoup, mes amis. that was definitely an ego booster since i haven't been practicing, although i have been watching several french movies. i guess they've been helping.

what's not been helping, on the other hand, is the total lack of focus i have on my career path. i know, i know. this is an old and tired saw that i've been yammering about since god knows when; but i can't help but feel that i'm in a rut... a vocational rut. with too many things that i want to do and too little time, i can't help but feel pressured that everyone else seems to have no trouble at all deciphering where they want to be in their lives. more and more, i get this feeling that finding my dream job has distressingly parallel characteristics to finding the perfect pair of boots. you have to try each and every pair that catches your eye in order to cross out what you don't want... or much worse, add to those that you do lust after. so now that i have a nice pair of 3-inch black boots, with cute buckles on the sides, that come up to my calves; i'm lusting after a pair of 1-inch dark chocolate brown pointy ones, that come up to my calves. there is just no reasoning with my mind or my ego.

i just need time, space, vampire novels, and a whole lot of dark belgian chocolates to figure out a cure for my norealvocationitis. heavy on the time. and maybe add a good dose of weed. they say some things become extra clear when you're high. heh.

somebody save me... wait, i'm supposed to save myself.